Whatcha gonna do brother, when Swiftamania runs wild on you?!
The internet has a just about every ridiculous thing under the sun on it, but I’d have a hard time believing that you will find this anywhere else. Anyone that listens to our Doing The Job podcast (which airs every Tuesday night at 8 P.M….cheap plug) knows two things I am passionate about: professional wrestling, obviously, and Taylor Swift.
For reasons that I can’t quite figure out, I was rocking to some T-Swizzie and thought to myself, “Self, if her songs could be personified into WWE Superstars, which ones would they be?” What follows is a short list of what I came up with.
“Shake It Off” – John Cena
It’s silly and doesn’t take itself too seriously, but years from now this song will still be played the same way Cena has been main-eventing over a dozen years now, for better or for worse. It’s definitely a track that little kiddies love and adults hate to admit that they do, too. But just as with the both of them, you may hate them for a while until you realize it’s futile to fight it any longer; they’re both awesome for what they bring to the table. Finally, this song is all about taking all the haters that are going to hate hate hate hate hate and, ummm, shaking it off…which is what John Cena does on a nightly basis. “Cena sucks? You can’t wrestle? Fruity pebbles?” Keep on shaking it off, John.
“You Belong With Me” – Daniel Bryan
If you’ll remember, this upbeat track is all about T-Swift trying to convey to a guy that he shouldn’t be with another girl that isn’t the right fit for him, and instead should be with her, a simpler girl who just happens to be the obvious, perfect fit. This is totally D-Bry after WWE decided to go with Roman Reigns over the past several months for that top spot rather than him, who most see as the clear choice for the role. Taylor, Bryan, and the fans alike are all “dreaming ‘bout the day when you wake up and find that what you’re looking for has been here the whole time.”
“We Are Never Getting Back Together” – CM Punk
This one is just too easy. Do I really even need to explain that this is clearly Punk’s song to WWE? Plus there’s this video that someone made that has Punk and the Authority’s history with this song over it, which cracks me up every single time. Do yourself a favor and watch it, too. I promise, it’s amazing. Whoever made this is a genius.
“Red” – Dolph Ziggler
The title track of Swift’s fourth album speaks of a love that was “faster that the wind, passionate as sin/ending so suddenly” and is basically about something that was so awesome and powerful in the brief period of time that it lasted. Cue up images of the times we thought that Dolph was about to become a main player for years to come (winning the World Heavyweight Championship the night after Wrestlemania 29 or ending the Authority’s reign as the sole survivor at Survivor Series ’14), only for injury or the creative team to stop his momentum on a dime and leave him nowhere. Also, just how “Red” is masterfully written but never gets the same credit that some of the other more well-known singles do, Ziggler shines in a similar way for WWE.
“Style” – Hulk Hogan
The third single off of Swift’s 1989 album is about a romance that, while sometimes they may stray apart, was once so good and is something that reignites time and time again because of it. What else is something that started great, only to leave, return, leave again, and finally return once more…something that certainly never goes out of style? That would be Hulkamania, brother! Regardless of if he’s with WCW or TNA, like Harry Styles “out and about with some other girls,” he knows where the real magic is. Also, when doing an album swap with M2J, he has been on record as saying he enjoys “Style”, and we all know he is a mega Hulkamaniac, so it just works. I’ll give him a “Yeah! Hulk Hogan!” for that.
“Blank Space” – Dean Ambrose
This is, as Taylor has documented in interviews, a satirical song that she wrote about the fictionalization of her life as others tend to perceive it; someone who is emotionally unstable that when scorned, goes to a dark, evil place to write songs about ex-lovers. Remind you of a certain WWE superstar that is labeled as “unstable”, has been scorned by someone that was supposed to be his brother and that we’ve seen go to scary, twisted places to take out his anger and frustration? Much like the fictionalized Swift in this song claims to her next victim, Dean Ambrose has a blank space baby, and he’ll write your name.
“Bad Blood” – Seth Rollins
And the Shield brethren that scorned Ambrose, the one that created the “bad blood”, Seth Rollins. This track is about a former friend (Katy Perry, FYI) that wronged her and caused irreversible damage between the two. (If you figured that out on your own, give yourself a cookie.) Rollins easily comes to mind when you hear, “Did you think we’d be fine? Still got scars on my back from your knife/So don’t think it’s in the past, these kinda wounds they last and they last now/Did you think it all through? All these things will catch up to you.” Now that I think about it, I’m not sure if this is more appropriate for what Rollins did to Ambrose and Reigns in The Shield or to his fiancé for sending Richard pics to another girl.
“Love Story” – Roman Reigns
One of T-Swizzle’s most recognizable hits from early in her career, this one is about two lovers that everyone tries to keep apart and claims should not be together; no one believes in them except for the two parties involved. My interpretation of this is how it seems the entire fanbase is telling WWE this is not the right fit and to find someone else. But dammit, I believe these two kids are going to make it work anyway, you just watch. Also, and I realized this totally after I picked this song for Reigns, but that one line, “See you make your way through the crowd and say hello.” Alright, so he doesn’t say hello, but he does enter through the crowd and make it rain superman punches up in that bitch! Believe THAT!
“Welcome To New York” – Zack Ryder
They’re both all about New York. The song is pretty much the black sheep of her catalog that everybody from NY hates (myself not included) and got a quick stint as a promotional song here before her 1989 album dropped. Ryder is clearly looked at by WWE brass as someone they have no interest in and gave a short-lived push before sending him to the bottom of the ranks. Both will ultimately be forgotten about in the grand scheme of things. Poor Zack Ryder.
“Last Kiss” – The Undertaker’s Streak
This powerful masterpiece reminisces about a love so great, that it is impossible ever seeing it come to an end and it blindsights you when it does, which is pretty much how all of us felt when it came to Taker’s undefeated streak at Wrestlemania before Brock Lesnar broke it. Just like Joe Jonas broke poor Taylor’s heart. If only Lesnar could have given three F5’s to that jerk instead.
“I Knew You Were Trouble” – Brock Lesnar
This.